Jan. 2025 Edition - Aging Well Newsletter

Issue 104

The Boulder County Area Agency on Aging (BCAAA) Caregiver Initiative is focused on empowering and supporting caregivers of older adults. Learn more about what we offer at boco.org/Caregiving.

Disclaimer: Boulder County Community Services is not a healthcare provider and cannot provide medical advice. This resource is provided for informational purposes only. Individuals should seek medical advice directly from a licensed medical professional.

Ask a Caregiving Expert 

Dear Caregiver,

We have looked to articles by Anne Tumlinson, founder of Daughterhood (a non-profit national community that connects family caregivers with peer support and resources), to start the new year.

 Please also note that the BCAAA has caregiving professionals available to discuss caregiver concerns in full.  You can best reach us at 303-441-1617 to speak with a Caregiving Resource Specialist.

In my next life, I want to come back as Dr. Kathy Selvaggi, the palliative care doctor who appears in a Frontline documentary series about how our health-care system handles end-of-life care. I think we should all idolize clinicians who escort people to and from life — midwives, labor and delivery nurses on the one hand; hospice nurses, chaplains, and palliative care physicians, on the other.

Dr. Kathy Selvaggi and Dr. Atul Gawande (author of Being Mortal, the book on which the Frontline series is based) both say that it is really, really hard coming to the realization you or a loved one is dying. They tell us that, for most people, when it comes to dying: Fear Rules.

But Dr. Gawande points out that doctors unwittingly feed the fear. They do this through a completely understandable, but utterly ineffective, tactic for dealing with fear: Denial. Your Dad could be standing right at the pearly gates, shaking hands with Saint Peter, and there’s a good chance his doctor will still promise your Mom he will do everything he can to get your Dad home in time for the holidays.

The consequences of this fear-and-denial cocktail are twofold: First, it results in an unplanned death. And unplanned deaths usually default to heroic life-prolonging efforts, which are rarely what anyone wants; Second, it denies the patient the one thing that alleviates fear – facing what scares you. (The Buddhists are crystal clear on this point and I agree with them).

Our denial- and fear-based, prolong-life-at-any-cost health care system gives us only one thing – more time before death. That’s it. Maybe it’s worth asking whether your mom needs more TIME. Or, whether she really needs a better LIFE during the time that is remaining. And, what constitutes a better life? In answering these questions, we receive the gift that death offers, but fear of death denies us: meaning.

Unfortunately, very few of us are walking around with the conscious understanding that death can come at any time and that our most important pursuit should be a life as full of meaning and depth as possible. I, for one, am kinda bad at this whole conscious living thing. Usually, I am just trying to remember to take my son to basketball practice.

Maybe it’s unfair to ask doctors to help us determine what will be most meaningful as we near the end of life. But they should have the courage to tell us truthfully what to expect from our bodies, so we in turn can get our ducks in order as soon as possible. We need full information from them about the consequences of decisions to prolong life.

Many doctors are trying to change the culture of their profession and the hospitals where they practice. However, as that change is taking hold, I’d advise the following three things in order to help your mom or dad find meaning instead of fear.

Before I share these three insights, I also want to mention we daughters participate in a huge amount of our own denial in response to fear. Right? We struggle to accept that our parents (or the person for whom we care) will actually die… but this mindset is how we get caught off-guard. So, I am begging you — pleading with you — even if your 75-year-old parent ran a marathon or jetted off to Paris last week… please take the following advice:

Start Talking…

In Dr. Angelo E. Volandes’ book, The Conversation, he stresses that doctors are going to have an easier time staying out of fear and denial territory if they know what matters to your mom and dad. Although doctors may not think to ask these types of questions, it is important for you to pursue them yourself so that you can share with doctors what is most important to your parents or your care recipient.

Dr. Volandes says you don’t have to march up to your care partner and ask them how they want to die, but you can start with positive questions about what they enjoy doing, what they look forward to, what is the best part of their day, etc. These questions are the warm-up for the harder questions that importantly will inform end-of-life care, such as how much they want to avoid certain symptoms, or what frightens them most about needing medical care. It can even be helpful to record the conversation with video or audio, and, of course, it can also be helpful to remind your parents that you love them.

Get it in Writing…

I am a huge fan of new online registries for advance directives. Two I like are www.mydirectives.com and www.everplans.com. Both companies have spent a lot of time and effort making their websites easy to use, and they provide a lot of information. A third great resource is www.getpalliativecare.org.

It is important to get in writing your parents’ wishes about what they want and don’t want, particularly about various forms of life-extending care. You not only want it in writing, but you want it on file with the doctor and hospital, and you want it at home in an obvious place, or else you run the risk that in an emergency the instructions will be overlooked.

One of the things I find striking in Dr. Volandes’ book is how helpful it is for his patients to understand and visualize life-prolonging interventions. Dr. Volandes has found that patients feel much better informed to make end-of-life decisions after touring the ICU, for example — where they can see ventilators, and other machines in action. So, while I am supportive of anyone’s decision to pursue life-prolonging care — if we are talking about someone very old and frail — I’d want you to make sure everyone understands what this really means.

Preparing to Challenge Authority…

Unless you have the unbelievable good fortune to have Dr. Selvaggi as your personal guide, you could end up having adversarial conversations with doctors and hospital staff at some point.

You may have to ask questions many different ways to get answers in support of your family’s wishes. You might have to get directly in the face of someone who works at a hospital, and be ready to tell the doctors and hospital staff, very strongly, what your parent wants. I have a friend whose mom’s advance directives were on file, and yet she still had to stop a nurse from performing a procedure her mother had clearly stated she didn’t want. Another person whom I know had to stand up to an insensitive ICU doctor and outright take her parent home against his advice.

Some of us (ahem) have just the teensiest bit of a problem displeasing authority figures, making other people uncomfortable, or being perceived as being unpleasant.

And, we just have to get over it.

Ask the clinicians to tell you honestly about the course of illness. Tell them you do not want to be given false hope, and you are ready to make decisions based on the best information possible.

Most of all, recognize how hard this is. As Glennon Doyle says, it’s beautiful and brutal, “brutiful.”

The only failure is putting fear in charge.

There is a lot we can learn from each other in facing our parents’ illnesses and end-of-life decisions. That’s the beauty of your community, your local Senior Center Resource Specialist, the Area Agency on Aging, and Daughterhood.

Anne Tumlinson, the Founder of Daughterhood, has dedicated over 25 years to enhancing the way America provides care for our elderly and most vulnerable adults. Through her extensive experience in government, policy research, hospitals, and nursing homes, she has come to understand that nothing, not even expertise, can fully prepare you for the experience of caring for another person. www.Daughterhood.org was born from Anne's deep desire to create a supportive community that empowers individuals to navigate the practical and emotional complexities of caregiving.

The Longmont Senior Center has expanded its hours and is now OPEN Monday-Thursday, 8 a.m.-8 p.m.; Friday 8 a.m.-5 p.m.; Saturday 8 a.m.-noon. Their resource specialists and counselors are now offering home visits and in-person appointments. Check out classes from City of Longmont Senior Services at www.longmontcolorado.gov/GO. Email: senior@longmontcolorado.gov Phone: 303-651-8411 Sign up for weekly email updates by visiting Longmont Senior Services or emailing senior@longmontcolorado.gov.

Caregiver Services for friends or family members caring for an older adult in Longmont include:

• Caregiver Consultations and Family Meetings: Referrals & information about adult day programs, home health care, long-term care, counseling, caregiver self-care, etc.
• Respite & Companion Volunteer Program and Respite Assistance Referrals: Volunteers matched with older adults who live alone or with a family caregiver provide respite, a friendly visit, and a caring connection. Respite Assistance funds can help pay for respite care for a caregiver.
• Social Groups and Educational Programs for family caregivers and those living with dementia (options may vary quarterly).
• Caregiver Support Groups provide information and support for family caregivers; no registration required: 
• 1st Monday, 6–7:30 p.m. at Longmont Senior Center
• 2nd Tuesday, noon – 1:30 p.m. (Alzheimer’s Assn. group) at Longmont Senior Center

Questions? Call Kayleigh Schernbeck with City of Longmont Senior Services at 303-774-4497.

Make Your Own Vision Board

Please register in advance at 303-651-8411. Registration #188902-00.

Friday, Jan. 10, 1:30-3 p.m.

Are you entering the New Year with hopes of change? Do you hope to cultivate relationships, hobbies, positive emotions, a different mindset and/or growth? If so, we invite you to come and create your own vision board. This tool can help you focus your time/energy and provide a visual reminder of your values, intentions, goals and desires for your life. No experience necessary and there is no right or wrong way to do this. Bring your own: canvas, magazines, printouts, quotes, photos, crafting/art supplies or use our limited supply. Senior Services’ staff Kayleigh Schernbeck, LCSW, will guide the group through the process.

The Power of Gratitude

Please register in advance at 303-651-8411. Registration #188910-00.

Monday, Jan. 13, 2-3:30 p.m.

Saying "thank you" is nothing new, but practicing GRATITUDE is about more than having good manners. In gratitude practice, we regularly focus on the positive things in our lives. It can be a powerful health habit with documented physical, emotional, and spiritual beliefs. Please join us as we explore these benefits and learn some tools to develop a regular practice of gratitude in our lives. Co-facilitated by Peer Support Volunteers Lois Ellison and Karin Higgins.

What is Disability Etiquette?

Please register in advance at 303-651-8411. Registration #189700-00.

Wednesday, Jan. 15, 10-11:30 a.m. (Please register by Jan. 8)

In this course, you will learn the best practices and tips for engaging with people with all types of disabilities in a respectful and inclusive way. Topics included in this course includes: " How to communicate effectively with and about persons with disabilities,"  “Person-First” language, and " How to make an environment accessible for people with disabilities."

Dementia Activity Ideas for Caregivers

Please register in advance at 303-651-8411. Registration #188912-00.

Saturday, Jan. 18, 10–11 a.m.

We'll introduce best practices for meaningful engagement (activity) ideas for your person living with mild cognitive impairment, as well as the different stages of dementia. We'll discuss the Montessori Method for dementia caregiving, as well as the art program, Memories in the Making. And we'll also identify how to modify engagements for your person's present abilities. Presented by Brenda Gurung, credentialed dementia specialist, founder of Be Growth Dementia Education, Forbes Health Advisory Board Member, and National Senior Living leader.

City of Boulder Older Adult Services offers a variety of Health and Wellness, Lifelong Learning, and Aging in Place programs, as well as Special Interest Groups. Programs are offered online and in person at East and West Age Well Centers. Case Managers are available to assist City of Boulder residents 60+ and their caregivers with referrals to community resources, options counseling, and financial support for eligible clients. To speak with a Case Manager, please call 303-441-4388. For a complete list of January programs and services, please visit the website to view the “Let’s Age Well!” program guide. For weekly updates, register online to receive the Age Well e-Newsletter.

Stress Management for Caregivers: Balancing Self-Care While Caring for Others

Online, Wednesday, Jan. 22, 1–2 p.m.

Review the signs of caregiver burnout and the role that stress plays in one’s life, recognizing it as both a challenge and an opportunity for growth. Participants will learn about practical strategies for gaining balance and to effectively care for themselves while caring for others.

NEW! Rhythm and Movement

Free introduction session: West Age Well Center, Friday, Jan. 10, 11–11:45 a.m.

3-Class Series: West Age Well Center, Fridays, Jan. 17-31

Experience expressive, vitalizing, easy-to- follow and fun rhythm and movement patterns designed to address flexibility, balance and a deeper awareness of breath and range of motion.

Feldenkrais: Move With Ease

Free introduction session: East Age Well Center, Tuesday, Jan. 7, 2:30–4 p.m.

Mat-Based Series: East Age Well Center, Tuesdays, Jan. 14–Feb. 18, 2:30–4 p.m.

Fees: R/NR $60/$75 (six classes)

Learn to move with ease using slow, mindful movements to achieve powerful results in terms of balance, flexibility, and coordination. Feldenkrais relates directly to functional movements of daily life and an improved sense of grounding and support. Lessons will be done seated, standing, and lying on a mat.

Conversations About Death

Online, Fourth Tuesdays, Jan. 28, 10–11:15 a.m.

Join end-of-life educators Diane Hullet and Margaret Kane for an open-ended conversation about death, dying and the end of life. Confidentiality and respectful discussion are the hallmarks of this monthly online program, bring curiosity, concerns, and questions.

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West Age Well Center:  909 Arapahoe Avenue, Boulder | 303-441-3148

Monday – Friday, 9 a.m.–4 p.m.

Meals on Wheels’ Eat Well Café: Monday – Friday, 11 a.m.–1 p.m.

East Age Well Center:  5660 Sioux Drive, Boulder | 303-413-7290

Monday – Friday, 8 a.m.–4:30 p.m.

Town of Erie Parks & Recreation - Active Adults

Erie Active Adults staff are available, Monday through Friday, 8 a.m.-4 p.m. Email: ActiveAdults@erieco.gov Phone: 303-926-2795 The Town of Erie's Active Adults program provides a Senior Nutrition Lunch Program at the Erie Community Center. Reservations are required by calling 303-926-2569 or emailing ActiveAdults@erieco.gov prior to the meal date. Check out upcoming Active Adults programming here.

Bingo

Tuesday, Jan. 14, 1-2 p.m.

Join the fun in this friendly game of BINGO and an afternoon of connecting with friends. Registration is not required. Prizes sponsored by The Bridge at Longmont.

Scrapbook Night

Wednesday, Jan. 15, 7-8:30 p.m.

The fee is $20 for residents and $25 for non-residents.

Got Photos? Create beautiful photo keepsakes to share and cherish your memories. Each class will be an opportunity to go home with a finished project. Please bring a minimum of 5 printed pictures of one event or theme. Or, bring your incomplete projects and enjoy time working towards completing cherished memories with others.

Garden Talks

Thursday, Jan. 16, 5-6 p.m.

The fee is $4 for residents and $5 for non-residents.

People are discovering the joys of playing in the dirt or, as grown-ups call it, gardening. A local expert, with years of experience, will help you plan, plant and harvest a successful garden. Did you know, gardening promotes wellness and can reduces stress? What are you waiting for? Children welcome to attend, no fee or pre-registration required for ages 15-17.

Dinner and Concert with Girl Crush Band

Friday, Jan. 17, 6-8 p.m.

The fee is $20 for residents and $25 for non-residents.

Girl Crush is synonymous with a high-energy, empowering musical experience. Their commitment to showcasing the beauty of diverse musical genres has contributed to their popularity and success in the Colorado music scene and beyond. Catered dinner provided. Cash bar available. Registration deadline January 12. Meal: bruschetta chicken on angel hair pasta, spinach salad with feta cheese and strawberries with white balsamic dressing, herb dinner roll.

The Lafayette Senior Center (103 S. Iowa Avenue) is open Monday through Thursday, 8:30 a.m. to 5 p.m. and on Fridays from 8:30 a.m. to 4 p.m. The Lafayette Senior Center will be closed Sept. 30-Oct. 21 for a bathroom remodel. Activities and programs will continue at alternative locations.   Call 303-665-9052 or email olderadults@lafayetteco.gov to register. For more information, visit lafayetteco.gov/seniors.

Louisville Senior Services

Louisville Senior Services at the Recreation & Senior Center offers a variety of trips, classes, and activities, as well as Brooks Café indoor dining and Grab N Go lunch. Senior Resources help in the areas of transportation, housing, legal assistance, financial guidance, and medical equipment loans are also available. For more information, contact Katie Beasley at 303-335-4914 or visit the website at www.louisvillerecreation.com. Louisville Senior Services are located at 900 W Via Appia Way in Louisville.