By Niquanna Barnett MS, LMFT – Outpatient and Substance Use Disorder Program Manager/Clinical Supervisor/ Individual and Family Therapist/ Play Therapist – Orion Family Services
Many of us grew up hearing the phrase, "Children should be seen and not heard." While this saying may have once reflected societal expectations, we now understand the lasting harm it can cause. As parents, caregivers, educators, and helping professionals, we recognize the importance of encouraging children to express themselves, share their feelings, and ask for help when they need support.
We frequently tell children to speak up when something feels wrong, seek help when they are struggling, and talk about their emotions rather than keeping them bottled inside. These are important messages. Yet too often, when children do exactly what we ask of them, their concerns are unintentionally minimized, dismissed, or overshadowed by an adult's perspective.
Children and adolescents experience stress, anxiety, sadness, disappointment, and fear in ways that are deeply real to them. While their challenges may seem small when viewed through the lens of adult responsibilities and experiences, they can feel overwhelming within the context of a child's world.
The end of a friendship, being excluded from a group, struggling in school, experiencing conflict at home, or feeling misunderstood can create significant emotional distress. As adults, we may be tempted to view these experiences as temporary or insignificant. However, for a child or adolescent, these situations can feel like profound loss, rejection, fear, grief, or shame. When we dismiss their experiences, we risk teaching them that their feelings are not worthy of attention or support.
The Impact of Dismissal
Most adults dismiss children's concerns with good intentions. We want to reassure them, ease their pain, solve the problem, or help them move forward. Statements such as:
- "You'll get over it."
- "It's not that serious."
- "Just ignore it."
- "You have nothing to be stressed about."
- "Wait until you're an adult."
are often intended as comfort. Unfortunately, children may hear something very different:
- "My feelings don't matter."
- "No one understands me."
- "What I'm experiencing isn't important."
- "I shouldn't talk about my struggles."
When children repeatedly receive these messages, they may begin to believe that their emotions are burdensome or unworthy of attention. Over time, this can reduce their willingness to reach out for support—not only during everyday challenges but also during moments when intervention may be critical.
Validation is an important part of helping children feel safe, connected, and understood. Validation does not require agreement with a child's perspective, nor does it mean endorsing every reaction. It simply means acknowledging that their emotional experience is real and deserving of our attention.
Why Validation Matters
Research consistently shows that emotional validation strengthens trust, improves communication, and supports healthy emotional development. Children who feel heard are more likely to develop emotional awareness, resilience, and confidence in seeking support when they need it.
Validation does not mean removing every obstacle, rescuing children from discomfort, or solving every problem for them. Rather, it means creating space for them to express what they are feeling without fear of judgment or dismissal.
Validation can sound like:
- "That sounds really difficult."
- "I can understand why you're feeling upset."
- "Tell me more about what happened."
- "Thank you for sharing that with me."
- "I may not fully understand, but I want to listen."
When children feel genuinely heard, they are often more open to guidance, problem-solving, and support. Listening first allows us to connect before we correct.
How Parents and Caregivers Can Help
Supporting a child doesn't require having all the answers. Often, the most powerful thing we can offer is our presence and willingness to listen.
Some ways to foster open communication include:
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Slow down and listen. Resist the urge to immediately solve the problem.
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Avoid comparing struggles. What seems small to an adult may feel significant to a child.
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Respond with curiosity rather than criticism. Ask questions to better understand their perspective.
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Acknowledge strengths and resilience. Recognize the courage it takes to speak up.
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Create regular opportunities for conversation. Make emotional check-ins part of everyday life.
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Offer your full attention. Put distractions aside and focus on what your child is sharing.
These small moments of connection communicate a powerful message: "What you think, feel, and experience matters."
Every Child's Voice Deserves to Be Heard
A child's voice does not suddenly become valuable when they reach adulthood. Their thoughts, feelings, experiences, and perspectives matter right now.
When we take the time to listen, validate, and respond with compassion, we help children learn that their emotions are important, their struggles deserve support, and they do not have to face challenges alone. More importantly, we show them that using their voice is worthwhile—and that there are trusted adults who will listen when they do.
Because every child deserves to know: Your voice matters. Today, tomorrow, and always.
Orion Family Services has offices in Madison, Monroe, and Janesville.
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