Family Newletter April 23, 2023

1. Keep it simple

Often children question behavior associated with autism (even if they don't use the actual word) when they see another kid act in a way they've never experienced before, says Dr. Grace Gengoux, director of the autism intervention clinic at Stanford University. For example, a classmate doesn't answer immediately, or at all, when someone says their name.

To explain this behavior, stick with simple wording like, "People are different and that's OK. We can interact with them, but we might do it in different ways so we can include them."

If you want to add more details, Dr. Wendy Stone, who's consulted with Sesame Street on the creation of Julia, an autistic muppet, suggests wording like, "An autistic child experiences the world in different ways. Loud noises might bother them or they might like to do things over and over again because it calms them."

Depending on the child's age and development, you can also say, "Autistic children often don't understand language well and they might not be able to communicate what they want or need super well."

Comparing the behavior with something they'd understand may also be helpful. For example, remind them how they suck their thumb or carry around their blanket (or did in the past) because it helps them feel safe. Tell them this is similar to what autistic children might do, for example, if they rock back and forth or carry around a stuffed animal (the latter isn't exclusive to autistic children).

You can teach autistic and non-autistic children about autism in the same way. However, it can be helpful to be more direct with autistic children, says Brown, because some (but not all) autistic people can miss subtleties or implicit cues.

Additionally, you can suggest concrete ways your child can help their autistic peers, like calling their names multiple times to get their attention or practicing patience if they have a temper tantrum.

Those tips won't work for all autistic children because there's no one way to be autistic. Stone points to a phrase in the community: "If you've met one child with autism, you've met one child with autism." Autistic people exhibit different characteristics depending on the person. For example, one autistic person could be fine in social situations but may be sensitive to loud noises while another struggles to socialize with people but isn't bothered by a fire truck blaring its sirens.

2. Model behavior you want

If you espouse the importance of treating people with compassion, try your best to practice what you preach.

Take advantage of everyday situations to model these behaviors. For example, if you and your child are at the bank and your bank teller has cerebral palsy, which can cause them t Later, discuss the interaction with your child. Say something like, "I found that really frustrating. But I realize it must also be difficult for the bank teller, who might deal with rude customers who say mean things about them. They can't help how their voice sounds and they're doing the best they can. I need to try to be more patient," Brown suggests.

Or if you're at a grocery store and your child notices someone flapping their arms and mutters how weird it is, suggest why the person might act that way. Tell your kid it may feel good for them and this behavior is normal for some people, even if it isn't how your child acts, says Brown.

3. Use art to foster understanding of autistic children

Stone suggests parents of autistic children compile notebooks with drawings and photos to help their classmates understand their unique wants and needs.

For example, dedicate pages to your child's likes and dislikes, their triggers and how they're likely to react (e.g. run away when they hear a loud noise).

o talk more slowly, be patient even if you're frustrated.

The notebooks describe the behavior from the child's point of view in a way that other kids will understand, says Stone. "It's like 'I have autism and this is what it means for me. It's not the same for everybody.'"

This tool can also help dismantle common misconceptions, like autistic children don't want friends. While many autistic kids want to play with their peers, it might be more difficult for them to communicate in commonly-understood ways.

For example, an autistic child might like to play with trucks but is non-verbal. If their classmate knows this, they might give them a truck during playtime which could elicit a smile from the kid, says Gengoux.

Gengoux agrees with the notebook approach but emphasizes focusing on a child's strengths too, such as activities they're good at and what they like to do. This can help reinforce their own skills and make them realize how they can use their interests to connect with other people.

Doing so also helps their peers see the autistic child as a whole person to help combat the negative stigma that could be associated with just focusing on deficits, says Gengoux.

4. Teach well-intentioned assumptions

Kids are kids, no matter if they're autistic or not. To that end, don't assume that everything an autistic child does is because of their autism, says Brown. This mindset grants a humanizing approach to autistic children.

"Teach children to assume that there is always a reason why an autistic person might be doing something that you or your child doesn't understand or thinks is strange," says Brown.

We extend this empathy to other people all the time, says Brown. If a child comes to school upset, we usually assume there's a reason for their behavior — maybe they woke up early or a kid bullied them on the bus. Take the exact same behavior and apply it to an autistic child, suddenly the assumption is the kid is exhibiting autistic behaviors, says Brown.

Instead, teach your children that autistic kids can be mad or frustrated if something distressing happens to them and it might have nothing to do with being autistic.

Above all, treat and talk about autistic people and, generally, people with disabilities, in a way that acknowledges their humanity, says Brown.

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