When you have children, you don’t necessarily anticipate the breadth of change that it will bring, and when challenges appear – as they will, it can be all too easy to focus on those and not the many positives you are gaining from the experience.
I have three children, all of whom show signs of neurodivergence and, at times, I can be overwhelmed by the additional challenges and difficulties that they experience. But the aim of this week is to consider the many talents and advantages of being neurodivergent, so I am going to take the time to focus on what I have gained through knowing them.
The first thing I want to say is that, whilst I have never sought or received any diagnosis for myself, having at least three people in my house showing neurodivergence has given me pause to reflect on my own make up. I don’t feel in any way constrained by difference but I do recognise to some extent a degree of intensity in some of my attributes that might raise eyebrows in other people at times. Here, there is an impulse to say tritely “we are all on the spectrum” but this needs to be qualified. I appreciate (only too well) that having a label for some people is the only way to access much needed support and that, when the label is fought for and hard-won, generalising is understandably seen as unhelpful.
That said, I do want to explore this concept a little further as I feel that recognising in ourselves traits that may be accentuated in autistic and other neurodivergent individuals helps us understand people better and to come to appreciate individual talents and attributes.
All of us have unique skills and abilities and it is very often the case that our worst faults are also our best attributes. Let me give an example. I am quite confident and assertive when I need to be. This skill enables me to direct projects, chair meetings and delegate work tasks and is an essential pre-requisite of my job. On the other hand, it can mean that I am overly dominant at times and can quite easily monopolise a conversation if I am not paying attention to my behaviour. So, one of my best skills can also be a fault if I don’t self-regulate. We can probably all think of other examples, caution can be protective or stifling, strength can be empowering or overbearing, sensitivity can make us caring and it can make us vulnerable.
In some cases, neurodivergent people have particular attributes amplified above and beyond neurotypical levels. This can manifest with an intensity that others find uncomfortable but can also be a source of incredible talent. The work of Stephen Wiltshire is an example where one individual’s attention to detail is mind blowing.
So, what have I learned in 3 decades of parenting in a neurodiverse household?
I have learned that “social skills” (a broad term if ever I heard one) are multi-faceted, complex and nuanced, and incredibly hard to describe and teach or even quantify! How can you describe that having a two-way discourse on a topic of mutual interest is a conversation and allows for a certain amount of focus on detail, but talking at somebody for 20 minutes without let up about your own special interest is less welcome. And how can you teach that difference with the utmost gentleness and skill because the recipient is just as prone (if not more so) to self-criticism than anyone else.
I have learned that whilst social skills might be challenging for some people to develop within expected parameters, it doesn’t reduce that person’s capacity to be self-aware, socially aware, sensitive, passionate and caring, and in fact some of these attributes can be more developed than in others.
I have learned that attention to detail can ensure that no stone is left unturned, no possible opportunity missed and whilst a “special interest” can be all consuming and difficult to live with it can also be the means to academic achievement, passionate dedication and a focus for activities that might otherwise have been a bit boring. As a result of my children’s special interests, I have enjoyed more steam train and horse and carriage rides than I would ever have arranged for myself and am richer for those experiences!
Living with neurodiversity has made me more familiar with sensory perception and stimulus; repetitive behaviours and their role in comfort; and the security found in routine. I have observed that in a group of people, whether in a meeting or social situation, there will be someone who is repetitively clicking their pen or tapping a rhythm; somebody who is distracted by that activity, or by a flickering light or humming electrical equipment; and someone who is talking loudly, in danger of monopolising the conversation or returning to the same topic repetitively. And I am better equipped to accommodate these behaviours with more sensitivity than a younger me who would have shown impatience and frustration.
Embracing neurodiversity is embracing diversity as a whole. If we are all to benefit from an accepting and tolerant society, we need to be accepting and tolerant and recognise the worth in others, even when our first instinct is that they are overbearing or disinterested or intolerant or just different. Whilst we are highly tuned to make snap judgements based on first impressions, none of us want to be judged on a snapshot. No first impression could possibly give anyone a whole picture of the complex, amazing, individual, and unique person that we are!
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