In this interview we talked to Landyn Prescott-Miles, Ph. D., manager of the Leadership and Team Dynamics team, which is part of the State’s Minnesota Employee Well-Being programs. Landyn's team has expertise in resolving interpersonal conflicts and provides de-escalation training for State of Minnesota employees.
Landyn, before we dive into questions, how would you define “de-escalation” for readers?
I would define de-escalation as starting with a highly intense and emotional situation and reducing the emotional pitch to a low-intensity, low-stress one. A de-escalated conversation is an easier and smoother one. In our office, we de-escalate all the time, every day!
Often we think about de-escalating others, but sometimes this is about de-escalating ourselves. Personally, my immediate reaction to heightened emotion is to respond right away, but I have to be aware of that tendency and adjust. It’s easy to be in a volatile situation, drop a match, and ignite [the situation]. Instead, we need to get into the space of being curious and asking genuine questions to de-escalate both ourselves and others.
What are some tips and tricks you would give to those in state agencies who work in high conflict situations?
First, I would say that phone calls are some of the harder situations to de-escalate. If someone is very emotional on the phone, they can’t see you physically; there are no visual cues to show how you are responding. So much is based only on your tone of voice. You have to be mindful. For me, if I am de-escalating a call, I slow down, enunciate, reframe, rephrase, and check for validation – did I get it right? I also get honest about whether I can offer a resource or not. If I can’t, I try to locate someone with the specific expertise they need and connect them to that person.
Also, it’s better not to say to someone, “I understand.” Instead, say “I hear you.” Because you really might not understand. You can say, “I can only imagine. That is very upsetting.” You need to validate their experience. Ask, “Is it helpful for me to get you a phone number, to find a person you can talk to?” You need to give people options. That can bring the emotion down.
When we are talking about being in a physical space, you need to give yourself adequate space [between you and the other person]. When people feel trapped they may act in ways that are surprising even for them. In some professions, for example in corrections or human services, employees are often trained in those techniques. You need to read the room. Is the person fidgety in a way that isn’t typical for them? Are they saying anything threatening? You need to take that seriously. And don’t try to fix a situation that you don’t have the resources to fix. You may need to call for back up and get out of the situation.
Sometimes it’s just the timing for you. If you are a reactive person in general, in some intense situations you may need to step back and ask yourself, Do I need a break right now? Sometimes just having a break is really important.
When is de-escalation especially difficult?
Power differences can make de-escalation difficult. For example, in internal organization situations, you may not feel comfortable speaking to people in authority. If someone with a leadership title is upset, you may feel like you should put your head down, act like things are fine, and wait until it’s all over. But that leader is a human being. Yes, they may be in a hard situation, but they also need to be respectful. It’s okay to ask for what you need in those situations. You may need to ask them to take a break – or maybe you need a break. If you don’t deal with the issue, you may miss an opportunity to calm things down and get resolution.
What are some tactics you have used to prevent conflict from escalating in the first place?
If you use good communication – being honest about what’s happening and what’s not happening, who makes decision and who doesn’t make decisions – it’s less likely things will get out of hand. When people know you and feel connected and feel they can share openly, you may prevent escalation. You also need to address conflicts early. If you are in conflict with someone, you can say, “How can we better communicate? I want to make space for your perspective.” We all have different communication styles, but that’s something we don’t usually talk about. We just assume people work the same we do. They don’t! Sometimes people get labeled as “difficult.” But maybe the people just have different styles. In conflict you can ask, “How did we bump into each other in this way? How did that happen? How can we resolve it?” When people can’t resolve issues at that basic interpersonal level, that’s when our office gets calls for support!
What else would you like to share?
Our office does de-escalation training for State agencies. State leaders or employees can reach out to our office with a request at eap.consultants.mmb@state.mn.us.
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